I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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