my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
