my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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