My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
