dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
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You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
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Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
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