even my farts smell like vagina
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
