When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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