I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
