I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
