reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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