I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
