the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I showed him my bush... on skype.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
