I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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