i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
