I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
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So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
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Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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