Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
two words: eviction party
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
