okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
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I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
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So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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