it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
zippers are such a cool invention
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
