I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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