if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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