i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
