I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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