I wish I only lived at night.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Are my feet made of real feet?
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On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
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we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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