and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
