nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
