she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
