Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
