butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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