Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
