I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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