I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
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Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
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Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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