i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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