And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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