An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
