my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i out mim tonsoeep
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