This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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