Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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