I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize