I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
