Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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