Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
