seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
