He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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