Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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