Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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