So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
