I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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