i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
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just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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