It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I love you.
Bad choice
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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