Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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