Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Randomize
