Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
