What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
